


I’d Rather Die Together (Than You Die Alone)

by Len0306a



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Blood, Crying, Dark, Depression, Everything Hurts, Hate, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It helps the feelings, Jeff Davis needs to come sweep me away, Mistakes, Myself - Freeform, OF, Other, Self-Blame, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Violence, You Are My Sunshine, anxiety attack, i hate this and everything it stands for, idk - Freeform, it hurts, i’m so tired, light nudity, scream crying, so much pain, thanks for reading this piece of shit :’))), this is so bad, this shit was real, upsetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 14:12:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12191466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Len0306a/pseuds/Len0306a
Summary: Our life wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t shitty either. Honestly we were pretty fucked up, but we were handling it. Until now. Now all I see is blood and tears and blame.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve decided to share what happened to me, because it has happened again. I’m thinking about writting another chapter showing this. I won’t be updating anything else this week.

I saw my mom’s phone ring, it was Lilly. Lilly, my sisters best friend. She never called mom, but she was right now. “Hey mum! Lilly’s calling, imma answer it!” I screamed into the dining room, clicking answer.

“Sup?” I asked her, hearing harsh breathing. Breathing that sounded like Lilly’s panic attack breathing.

“L-Leah...can I talk to you mom?”

“Why?” I answered, “are you okay? It sounds like you’re crying.”

“J’st put your mom ‘n t-the phone-one.” I made a confused noise, handing the phone to my mom. “Lilly wants to talk to you.” My mom snatched the phone quickly, talking to the teen.

“Lilly? What’s up kiddo?” I could still hear Lilly on the other end of the phone. “Can-can you c’eck on Alexis?” I looked at mom, confused. Why was Lilly asking to check on Lex? She was in the shower, I was there a few minutes ago. She was pissed, yes, but usually we’re meant to let her cool down.

Mom hurriedly walked to the bathroom door taking five paces. Four knocks. “Alexis? Alexis! Are you okay?” Lilly was still on the phone. The door was locked.

“Yeah.” Her reply was short and rude, sounding gravely from crying. Why was she crying? Lexa only cries when something terrible happens to her. Or Lilly. I quickly got worried, “Lexa! Open the door!” She didn’t answer me.

“Lexa! Open the fucking door right now!” Was mom yelling? Was I yelling? I couldn’t breath. “Fine.” After a minute of yelling, her only answer was fine. You could hear her get up, walk two paces, and open the locked door.

The door opened to the bathroom, showing my naked sister. The only thing she was wearing was blood. There was so much blood. Blood on the floor, on the sink, on the exact-o blade she used to cut her...leg? We couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Blood was dripping down her leg and the shower, running down in a sluggish pace.

“Lexa! How bad did you cut yourself? Where are you bleeding?” My mom was talking while I walked away. I couldn’t....I just couldn’t. I knew my sister cuts, but she told me she stopped. She had scars, yes, but there was no more cuts for awhile. Until now.

I could hear mom’s hushed, worried voice as I walked to my room. Eleven paces to the stairs, eighteen stairs, tripping on two. Turning right to my room, walking around my bed, and collapsing on my floor.

I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know when I started but now I couldn’t stop, the tears and snot dripping onto my arm. I was against my wall, my feet pulled up into the fetal position. I was barely sitting up, let alone thinking.

I quickly grabbed my phone, texting my bestfriend Kelsi. I couldn’t really see the screen but I managed to open her contact.

 

L: help   
L: Lexa cut herslf bad

K: With?

L:There’s blood all over the floor  
L: I can’t break (I can’t breath)  
L: In having a panic attack (I’m having a panic attack)  
L: There’s sos mush boss’s (there’s so much blood)

 

My typing was getting worse, my eyes burning from the constant flow of tears.

 

K: Hospital bad?

L: I don’t akew (know)

K: Is your mom there? If not, call 911  
K: Deep breaths

L: She’s trying to Hel lea (help lexa)  
L: She wasn’t takl to anyone (she won’t talk to anyone)

K: It’s okie it’s okie. Take care of her, clean up the blood, breathe deeply  
K: Calm her down and yourself

 

She wasn’t helping. I felt like puking, the dizzying sensation of bile drawing me in. just thinking about the blood all over her body, her leg and stomach soaked in it. Her hair with small patches stuck together from the slowly drying blood.

It was all over the floor. Small puddles here and there, splatters, splotches, streaks, dripping, running down the walls and the shower and the toilet and the laundry bin.

I can’t calm down; my sister is constantly trying to kill herself. I knew it was going to happen, I knew it I knew it I knew it l knew it l knew it.

I ignored the signs for peaceful ignorance so I could try to be normal. This isn’t normal this is brutal and disgusting and I’m so fucking disgusting what’s wrong with me?

When I mentioned it, she always would laugh and say, “I have therapy for that, Lenie-Bear.” That hurts. Seeing her hurt so much and not being allowed to help, not knowing how to help. Help help help help help help, help me.

School and friends and enemies and family all hurt her and we wouldn’t stop. If we just fucking listened, if we just let her talk, maybe she wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide.

I can’t let her die. I can’t lose her. She’s my sister. She’s my best friend. She held me through every break up, every sad movie, every Christmas photo, every birthday, and every day of my entire life. I can’t let her leave me now. I can’t...I can’t lose her too. we’ve lost too much family to drugs, old age, and depression. I can’t let that happen to her too.

I could hear her talking to Stacey, her therapist. The only reason she didn’t die was because she couldn’t leave Lilly. That’s the bad part isn’t it, she could leave me but not her friend?

Mom called me downstairs, asking me to talk to Lilly.

“Why?” I asked her, Lilly couldn’t do anything at fucking 11PM.

“To see if she can come visit or sleep over tonight.”

I called Lilly. Three rings and then she picked up.

“Lena?”

“Can you see if you can come over tonight? The only reason she’s remotely happy is because if you.” I can admit the envy in my tone, the sadness. Just admitting I wasn’t worth shit to my sister made me break down crying harder than ever before.

She woke her grandmother, the person she lives with, to ask. We got both of our guardians on the phones, talking about what to do. Lilly will come over tomorrow, and help Alexis.

Lexa ended the call with her therapist 28 seconds after the call with Lilly and her grandma.

I went back upstairs, mom stayed with Alexis the whole night on the couch.

We had school tomorrow. I’m not going.

I put Lund’s ‘broken’ on ListenOnRepeat on sat on my floor. Climbing onto my bed was too much work.

I cried, letting the snot and tears run quietly down my face.

I miss my sister.


	2. You’re Like Oxygen (But I Want To Suffocate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck everything.

I saw the whole world come into view, going light headed from the blinding tan leather of our couches. Mama Cortazzo stood there, looking at me with sadness.

“Sorry I slept all day.”

Without warning, she asked me questions I didn’t want to answer.

“Tell me the truth: are you depressed? Are you okay? Please...don’t lie to me.”

I curled myself smaller, condensing myself in a ball so I could just disappear.

“It’s something. I don’t know what but every time it happens I just want to stay home. I just want to quit.”

The silence consumed me, so I looked around. My eyes wandered around the living room, landing on our stone-tile table and the floor. Right behind a leg was a fidget toy, and a blade. I froze, looking at the offending weapon.

“Why is that out?...” I asked mother, dread filling my stomach.

“You’re sister cut herself bad earlier today. She found the knife hidden in my room.” Everything froze. I head the shower turn on, but I stared at the offending object.

Why? If I’d just stayed up, if I just told Alexis I needed help with homework, maybe we wouldn’t be here.

I felt water spring into my eyes, and buried myself in the red fur blanket laying next to me.

I heard my sisters steps, twenty-two, walking from the bathroom to the fifth step. I looked at her and froze.

Her wrists, ankles, and thighs, the only area I could see, were covered in cuts. Jesus. Some were a faded purple, older, and others were a disgusting red. I looked away, ignoring all conversations.

After some time, I walked to my room. My phone was on the charger, showing a missed notification for Sad Gay, or Lilly Camp. I stared in horror at the screen, seeing what I could’ve prevented. If I had just been awake, if I had just fucking had my phone I could’ve stopped this.

I opened my phone, closing all notifications. I went behind my bed for the a hundredth time, just breathing. Just thinking. Blaming and hating myself and this goddamn world.

Life is so unfair, so cruel to show me my horrid mistakes.

All I could think about was the horror of losing my sister...again. She wasn’t getting better, and she was going to go to the mental ward again. I couldn’t let her leave me again but...what if she wanted to? What if she needed to leave us, leave this life behind to get better?

I just stared, listening to mum say that she wasn’t going to school, and how Alexis went upstairs to go to call Lilly. Fuck my life.

I didn’t talk to Klesi about it, and I just sat there. I did my homework.

*******

Alexis was going back to the mental ward. She was either going willing, or being escorted by the police. She chose to go willingly.

I didn’t go with her when they sent her off, I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t even look at her without trying to beg her to stay.

Now I stared at nothing, listening the the mournful howls of my cat, Rowan. Somehow he knew what was happening, and he couldn’t take it either.

I listened to the almost silent sound of his steps, him walking downstairs to the front door. He stood in front of it, deathly silent, and just stared. He just stared at that damned door, waiting for Alexis.

Somehow, that was worse.

I broke down for the third time that day, letting out pathetic screams and sobs. Tears rolled down my face and stung like fire, reminding me why I was crying.

I cried for too long, my throat going hoarse and my eyes and face burning from the tears. Rowan stayed at that goddamn door.

I listened to the sound of crickets outside the house, the house that was so silent I could her the insects. Sound was deafening so I killed it.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

I continued singing the lullaby mama sang to us when we were scared or upset.

“The other night Dear, as I was sleeping; I dreamed I held you, in my arms. When I awoke Dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head, and I cried.”

I continued the song, sobs breaking apart some verses. I had to finish.

“I’ll always love you, and make you happy. And nothing else could, come between. But if you leave me, for another, you’ll have shattered all of my dreams.”

My breathing ragged, my eyes burning, I continued to the end.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know, Dear, how much I love you. So please don’t take my sunshine away.”

My voice fading out, my mind fading out, I hung my head. The couch under me was barely registered, the only thing I could feel was pain. I think I deserved the pain.

I pulled up the reclining seat, stretching my legs out with barely there senses. I wanted to disappear.

I still had school, homework, and the house to take care of, but that’s the problem. I don’t care. I can’t care. It all just was too much.

The smallest sounds faded out, and so did the sound of my breathing. With that, I decided to disappear for awhile.

With a barely there mind, I didn’t notice Rowan sitting next to the couch. Didn’t notice how he almost looked at me with concern until hours later.

It was 10:46PM, and I didn’t sleep that night.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have something rude to say, don’t fucking say. Also this is a real story, happening to my family. I did change their names and last names so no one could find out who we are. Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. Don’t fucking try it cause honestly I doubt my sister or mother would appreciate you goddamn talking about my sisters depression. 
> 
> Be respectful and treat this like a normal fic.


End file.
